Okay so this post is going to be, simply put, a mess. It might even cross into a territory that can be doomed “sappy”, and if there’s one person on this blog who doesn’t get sappy it’s me. Soooo with that said, here we go.
I’ve just been really sad lately. Not at school, but when I get home, I’m bored and weak and over the whole system.Like I got home, and it hit me that I am going to have a week of free time on my hands and I’m probably going to waste those precious hours daydreaming and feeling lonely. I’m honestly not even looking forward to break, I just say that because obviously it’s what everyone says. But break means I’ll be alone with my family (aka we will argue about how I am estranged from everyone and don’t do chores) or alone with my thoughts (aka I berate myself for
I actually feel so isolated from the rest of the world. I live in my mind, an area where I can’t be motivated to do anything. I go home and sleep for 2-3 hours, and although you could just deem this an adjustment to my Circadian rhythm, what if it’s a sign that I’m just a lazy mess of angst? My mind is an area where I can cut myself slack for everything. I’m struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have to start getting serious about my work.
Like I thought Holden Caulfield was this depressed mess who tries to distract himself from the situation at hand. And yes, he is. But am I any different? I get pissed off at people at the drop of a hat to the point where my mom said junior year made me a bitch. And I always ask weird questions and such in order to divert from the task at hand. (e.g. “how many whores in the world do you think are good at calculus?”) Class A escapism, the only thing missing is drugs.
There’s no driving force at all in my life. After reading The Picture of Dorian Gray , I’m deep inside this hedonistic rut that I can’t escape. Nothing seems remotely purposeful to me unless it allows me to sit around and do nothing. This includes sleeping, going on Reddit, watching Netflix, and talking about my life to people who care and those who don’t. Right in the middle of the biggest idon’tgiveafuck phase of my life, I have my junior year conference and my counselor says that I’m doing a great job and that I have an upward trend. What a joke!
The only reason I actually like school is because of the people there. I find my peers supremely entertaining and oh so fascinating, and talking to people and gleaning all these quotable one-liners to share at cocktail parties just makes me happy. But then I ultimately have to face facts: school isn’t about being friends with a bunch of people, it’s about facing a book and studying and doing practice problems and memorizing a bunch of inane historical facts about interest groups and learning the subjunctive tense and all this crap.
My brain is actually refusing to absorb knowledge. Is it because TV turns your brains into mush? I don’t know. The claim seems a little hard to prove, but there you have it: I’m totally desensitized to learning.
Something that has also been depressing me is the idea that nothing lasts forever. This has to do with my love life (or lack thereof). While 2/3 of the GMTA crew is in a stable relationship, MY love life works a little differently. It consists of being fascinated with the weirdest people and striking up obscure conversations in the hopes of befriending them.
Like, you can’t just be 74289073 feet tall and sassy and bizarre and entertaining AND play the double bass. It is absolutely enthralling, but it defies the laws of physics.
Whatever. My point is, no matter how good friends I become with said object of fascination, and no matter how good friends I am with other people (in my grade, the grade above, below, everything), I’m probably not going to see them a lot in life. It’s a damn shame that the only part that I actually enjoy about school is the part that doesn’t last. The studying and grades continues into the next 38249324 years of my life, or so it seems, but that doesn’t even seem important to me.
Or take forensics. You only have four years to get good at whatever event it is, and then the madness just ends. Like how are you supposed to get into any sort of rhythm?
People just leave your AP French class because they get a couple of bad grades and then you’re left with 5 people.
You study for calculus and then you just get wrecked on the FRQ section and of course it’s only worth 30 points so that grade drops.
EVERYONE JUST DESERTS ME
The world is just a mess of betrayal and ephemeral connections fading away and this is the kind of shit I think about when I don’t have things like school to keep me distracted. That’s why I’m worried about break.
It’s funny because while writing this, I realize that I’ve been thinking about going to college across the country or in the Midwest or something, but who am I kidding? I’d be so homesick.
So yes, my imagination paints pictures of happy futures with friends that will probably disappear from my life, and my common sense contradicts that and tells me that I can continue to try and delude myself and live out my Dorian Gray, but ultimately I have to get cracking and ditch my naive and idealistic dream of being a carefree catcher in the rye. And then there is my inner mrs. Gilmore, telling me that the punctuation and grammar and syntax in this post is probably ratchet.
I’m at a low point in my life, but I’m kind of at peace with it. I just need to find people to hang out with over break so I don’t drive myself crazy and end up writing more soul searching crap like this post.